Sunny’s Blog

I just love a good question… one that rolls around in my head for hours after being asked. I have a good friend who is excellent at asking me these types of questions.

I had lunch with a this friend yesterday, and what would lunch with this person be without a great question to top of the conversation? . He asked me… “do you feel like an adult”?

No, i don’t. I have a career, a house, a husband, a ridiculous schedule, i go to therapy, i have hobbies, a pet. The only thing i appear to be missing from the “adult equation” is kids. But do i feel like an adult… no.

When does one “feel” like an adult? To some it’s about having things (car, house, etc). Others feel like an adult when they have a career to focus on. Others when they have the right kind of schedule, hobby, or leadership role. Or all of the above, and kids. (and maybe my answer will change once i have kids… i don’t know)

But my question has now become, “is this a feeling that i even need”? In what situations would it be imperative that i “feel” like an adult? How would this feeling help me? Or would it just be a case of “keeping up with the Joneses”?

Do you feel like an adult?

Is it important for you to feel like one? how come?

When was the last time you were in silence?

Ever notice how silence is really loud?

I tend to fill my life with a constant level of noise. Music, Heater, My typing, talking, there is constantly a level of sound. I use to get uncomfortable if I was in any silence for very long, but lately it seems to be something I crave. There is something about silence that intrigues me. All of a sudden i am completely aware of every sound, and every feeling. Quiet, Refreshing, Restoring, Silence.

My goals for 08:

Simplify my home, workspace, and life

Strive for inner peace

Do at least 5 items on my “when i feel most alive” list

Take a trip to Atlanta to see my dad

Go snowboarding

Prioritize my health

Stretch my spirituality

Be spontaneous more frequently

I’ve been asked lately why I’m not attending church. My typical answer is I’m on an anti church kick, or a difficult spot in my personal journey (both of which are partial yet not entire truth) but i had yet to find the words to express my truth, to verbally explain the struggle that was waging war within me… until tonight.

The following is a mere start yet an excellently detailed snap shot of why I’m not attending church.

“They have no use for churches that play religious games, whether those games are worship services that drone on without the presence of God or ministry programs that bear no spiritual fruit. Revolutionaries (as we’ll call them) eschew ministries that compromise or soft sell our sinful nature to expand organizational turf. They refuse to follow people in ministry leadership positions who cast a personal vision rather than God’s, who seek popularity rather than the proclamation of truth in their public statements, or who are more concerned about their own legacy than that of Jesus Christ. They refuse to donate one more dollar to man-made monument that mark their own achievements and guarantee their place in history. They are unimpressed by accredited degrees and endowed chairs in Christian colleges and seminaries that produce young people incapable of defending the Bible or unwilling to devote their lives to serving others. And Revolutionaries are embarrassed by language that promises Christian love but turns out to be all sizzle and no substance.

In fact, many Revolutionaries have been active in good churches that have biblical preaching, people coming to Christ and being baptized, a full roster of interesting classes and programs, and a congregation packed with nice people. There is nothing overtly wrong with anything taking place at such churches. But Revolutionaries innately realize that it is just not enough to go with the flow. The experience provided through their church, although better than average, still seems flat. They are seeking a faith experience that is more robust and awe inspiring, a spiritual journey that prioritizes transformation at every turn, something worthy of the Creator whom their faith reflects. They are seeking the spark provided by a commitment to a true revolution in thinking, behavior, and experience, where settling for what is merely good and above average is defeat. ”

- George Barna (parentheses mine)

A question that i’ve had rolling around in my mind the past few days is…”When do I feel most alive?”

I’ve been pondering this question because i have a tendency to get so wrapped up in life that i begin feeling numb. I begin reacting out of reflex instead of living consciencely. then before i know it a whole month has gone by, and i don’t feel like myself. I’ve also struggled with depression throughout my life, and when i begin feeling numb, i begin to sink back into my depression cycle. So i have to constantly fight to stay above the influence. It’s like walking up a downward moving escalator.

This list will probably always be in a perpetual state of change, but for now, here it is:

1. Shooting a glock

2. In the depths of a very intelligent conversation with a seky man.

3. Singing

4. Laughing HARD (to the point of tears) with friends or family

5. Scuba Diving

6. Designing a piece of art work

7. Driving my car… fast

8. Giving

So now i pass this challenge on to you… when do you feel most alive?

Question of the night:

1- Do you find that you tend to be hard on yourself?

I know i definitely do at times. Why couldn’t you hold on to a good thing Sunny? Why did you get that last time you were at the store? Why didn’t you remember that? Why couldn’t you dress better, cook better, blog better, talk better, on and on?

I want to be better than i am, or i want to have made a different choice, but in reality i am what i am, and i did what i did. why not just accept it as such? And just because i made a different choice than you did doesn’t make one better or worse. We both did what we thought we needed to do at the time. No judgment, just let it go.

I think my thoughts tonight still go back to the unconditional love idea. And i don’t think i’ve ever truly experienced it, nor do i completely believe that it actually exists. But i like the idea. and i’m going to let my imagination run with it for a while. I’ll say it again, the most powerful life-changing relationships were the ones where i was loved just as i was. No asking me to change, no wishing i was different, no judgment for not being at a different place in life… just me. Now this didn’t mean the people in these relationships didn’t challenge me to the next level… they absolutely did. Had they not, i only fear where i might have stayed.

I also found that having relationships like those allowed me to venture into the areas of my life i had locked down. Watching someone be completely and vulnerably open about their life-struggle invited me to do the same. And only in that risk did i realize there was more to me than i had let myself believe.

What if i really developed authentic community by being honest with myself and you instead of all the bull shit i can hide behind? What if i were able to truly look at myself? What if i could then share that with you and not feel judged? Would you then have the courage to do the same?

What if I were able to chase after what I truly wanted instead of what I thought I should? And what is keeping me from this?

So I’m currently watching one of the many Spanish channels so generously provided by comcast. As many of you know by now, i rarely watch TV, it typically bores me, so why if i am taking the time to watch tv am i watching the Spanish channel? BC I’m watching people participate in a ballroom dancing competition in wheel chairs!! How awesome is that! I have been completely impressed at this point. It touches an itchy place in my spirit. Nice.

I am type 1 diabetic and I’m ’starting’ to become proud of it. There is a lot of shame that a diagnosis like this typically carries. Why? Because most people assume that in order to become diabetic one must eat too much sugar, be overweight, or hide in a closet and eat candy bars in their spare time. And while this can be the case, it is an ignorant assumption. I am very aware, and slightly sympathetic, that this is of no fault of yours but instead a lack of available information.

Talk to me about it if you’re interested. I am still learning but I will be glad to share with you what i know. Please don’t ask me about my diet, i will tell you i just ate cake, you will give me a scornful look, and i will have to go back and lick the wounds to my self esteem. I want be as open as i can about this, I want you to know what this means, i want to show you my blood sugar number, i want to show you the injections, I want you to be with me when i’m high, and when i’m low, and talk with you about how embarrassing this sometimes feels for me. I want to help you understand that it’s an all day, every day, every time i eat, sleep, and exercise, disease (this means any lick, taste, nibble, snack, nap, sprint, or push-up with no day off). And my coping skills are definitely lacking. This will be a life long adventure for me, and I welcome any one who wants to join or support me on any part of this walk.

And please skip the pep-talk, and the “can you eat that” talk, skip the looks, and the nasty comments… not because they bother me, but because you are making yourself look ridiculous. When was the last time you had the courage to openly wrestle with the darker issues in your life?

“My self esteem does not rest on your opinion of me”

I’ve always considered myself a strong person spiritually, not consistent, but strong. However, right now i couldn’t tell you the last time i was in a service, or even prayed for the matter. And for once, that’s good.I’m still quite angry about my diagnosis of Type 1 Diabetic. I get so tired of it. Everyday, every night, every meal,… and why me? I’d like to be able to shrug it off and say “it is what it is”, but its so much more than that. I’m tired of the shots, and the bruising, and the finger pricking, the counting. I’m tired of the frustration when my numbers get high, I’m tired of feeling scared when my sugar gets low. Can i just have a day off?

The other part of me thinks this spiritual void is part of my recovery. I think in a lot of ways i have used my “spirituality” to cover certain areas of my life. Now I no longer feel the compulsion to be so “spiritual”, and honestly I’m becoming quite comfortable with it. There’s a certain amount of freedom and empowerment i feel with this. And the beauty is in the actual struggle itself, which is the most amazing part. I feel much more connected. Internally with my thoughts and emotions, and externally with the world and people. And ironically that’s my understanding of what “spirituality” is all about.

I’m not interested in convincing people to change, or to be or believe something new or different. I just want to know who they are and love them because of it. Is that enough? to be loved for who you are without trying to be changed? The most powerful life-altering relationships I’ve had are just this, someone loved me just because I’m me, no changes, no convincing, no wishing I’m different… just me. I love it! Makes my heart beat a little faster… yours?

So I’ve decided to share a little bit of my recovery… Recovery from what? you might ask. my dysfunction.  This week’s topic for me… control… And please understand  I am only responsible for my behavior.

This week i’ve been focusing on my husband… and no.. not trying to fix him… lol. but my dysfunction in that i control… So i’ve been asking him to do things (ex. around the house, run an errand, make a phone call etc) and he doesnt’ do it. So then i feel COMPELLED to ask him over and over again until he does it… (aka. naggin’) So i’ve been thinking about changing, and making a CHOICE not to ask him over and over until he does it, and then just let him do it. (Which is the whole part about how when one person backs off then there’s this whole space where nothing’s getting done about it) And their in lies my struggle.

 I dont’ feel like that’s fair (and being an only child fairness is a big deal for me)  if he doesn’t do it i have to do everything, for then he can just decide oh.. sunny will do it if i wait long enough, which gets him out of doing anything. Or it doesn’t get done at all. So i’m really struggling to figure out what to do with that. Maybe i will only ask him to do tasks that can wait as long as he decided to wait on them to be completed… but then isn’t that even more manipulative and controlling than what i’m doing now?? AHHH!!

Okay, so any one who’s tried to carry on a conversation with me for longer than probably 15 mins or so, realizes that my attention span quickly dissolves leaving me randomly changing topics and quickly loosing focus, and the partner in the discussion quite frustrated and slightly confused on how the conversation quickly turned.

I have come to a conclusion through these realizations. I am a pitifully lousy blogger. While the blogs that I write have some intellectual depth (at least in my eyes) I don’t write nearly frequently enough to keep the reader’s attention (that means you).  

And now I will simply concede and say, if you never read my blog again, I will not be offended. For in my mind my blog ideas seem great, yet the 1.5 million thoughts I have between thinking my blog idea and it actually coming to fruition seem to somehow overshadow the idea (something to the effect of adult ADHD). Or I completely loose the idea all together.

In my mind I’m a great blogger, the constant dialogue I have going on in my mind is so challenging and provoking I can sometimes barely contain myself. However, my mind is quite like an internet page with no protection. All the dang pop-ups keep intruding while I’m trying to focus on the main page. By the time I close the first one three others have popped up in its place. But it’s not just annoying like typical pop-ups. Some of my brain’s pop-ups are quite interesting and quickly I’m more interested in the pop-up article than the home page. And by the time I’ve finished reading that one, I have 100 more to close before I can even get back to the home page. It’s a constant battle for me to stay on any sort of track.

So I will continue on this path of sporadic blogging. If you feel like it keep checking back every so often, but just don’t expect for me to always have the next dialogue prepared.